I have never been any good at sharing emotions and feelings ,usually I lock them away ,because it was my belief that if I didn't show them ,then I wouldn't get hurt . I have to find my true self and too be able to be sure that I am embracing all parts of myself before I open myself up to another person .
I have given my life a lot of thought and I have worked an awful lot of things out.
These people who in one breath were telling me that they loved me and then with the next were tearing me to pieces . So because of this I spent many years living trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-harm.
It went on for years, they told me I needed to be thinner so I starved myself, they told me that I was stupid so I tried to learn .
Someone who will be there through thick and thin and who doesn’t run for the hills when the going gets tough.
I want someone to love me as I am because I will not change for anyone because I now know to be happy and feel complete I have to be me . I don’t want to be with someone who is with me for selfish reasons .
I become aware of the connections between past abuse and my feelings and realised that I didn't have to put up with abuse from anyone .
I realised that I had always settled for less than I deserve and bad treatment because I viewed may self as damaged goods .
I internalised all the pain and the emotions and the hurt until it ate away at my soul and broke my spirit I am now healing and I am moving in to a new era of my life.Now that the confines that the outer shell placed on me have been removed I refuse to ever hide behind a disguise ever again . I am going out into the world with a whole new set of rules . Recovery from an emotional breakdown has made me want to be a better person, it has encouraged me to learn and to work on myself .It has taught me to look within myself and think about my emotions and it has also given me the incentive to overcome my past .I understand we all have our moments when we do things unintentally that hurt others but a sorry and a smile can make a huge difference.
I don’t want someone who is going to use me as there emotional waste bin and its something that I really don't want to do either and that is why I knew I had to get rid of all of the rubbish from the past that I was carrying .My self-esteem was not just low it was non existent I lived by the belief that I was broken that was my self belief that somehow I was not whole or worthy because I wasn't perfect .