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19th Hole: The only hole on which golfers do not complain about the number of shots they took. 404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning the requested document couldn’t be located: “Don’t bother asking him, he’s 404.” A Cappella: Just two, please. AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink. Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in “This computer cost quite a bit.” Bitch: A female of a dog or vice versa. Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves. Blasphemy: What the mine foreman told the miner to do with the dynamite. Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty. Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do. Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.” Consultant: 1.


Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country. Alcoholic: A person you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. A shouted request for assistance by an out-of-bounds European skier on a U. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you. Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks; 4. Appetite: The one thing bigger than an overweight person's stomach. Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until it’s too old to spank. Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A writer with connections in the publishing industry; 4. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony; 35. Bad Luck: To have thirteen people seated at the table when you’re paying for the drinks. Baggage Claim: The most difficult area of the airport to find. Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you! Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting callers, has only to straighten his necktie. Baritone: Note emanating from Senator Goldwater, or from singer Manilow. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space. Alcoy: Wanting to be bullied into having another drink. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 13. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. A country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses; 2. A man who is free to choose his own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead. Anality: The act of being anal retentive over something. Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works. Apple Computer: The fruit of rapid growth in a high-tech industry. Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. A class that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it really involves. The reason Mom’s sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Antifreeze: What happens to your mother’s sister when you steal her blanket. Apparently: As either mother or father would do it. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw; 2. Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364. Archive: Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started. Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Artisan Food: Food which is made by traditional, often labour-intensive methods and usually in small batches (rather than by large-scale factory processing). A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 36. Bad Taste: Simply saying the truth before it should be said. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area. ” Baile Funk: A style of fast dance music with hard-edged vocals, originating in Brazil, and with lyrics characterized by the ethos of the favelas (or the slums) of Rio de Janeiro.

Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it. Aldclune: One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 14. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.” Allege: A high rock shelf. Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third. Aloha: A sound you hear when someone with a deep voice laughs. Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup. American Language: English run over by a musical comedy. Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again. Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting. Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats. Aqualibrium: The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle; or (B) squirting himself in the eye. Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl; 2. Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive. Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labour. Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home. Event involving two bugs who fall in love and run away together. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup. Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money. When you ask one court to show its contempt for another court. Appeasement: The policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile, one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last. April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The best husband a woman can have - the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Ardcrony: A remote acquaintance passed off as ’a very good friend of mine’ by someone trying to impress people. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 37. Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business. Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.

Afrophobia: Fear of the return of 1970s hairstyles. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor. Asphyxiation: What a surgeon does about an asphalt. Aspiring: A group of trainee secret service agents. Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer’s current salary in estimating his own worth. Audience: A collection of people willing to pay to be bored. An obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. BAT: What you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula. Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Bear Market: A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one. Beauty: 1: A pretty, effective substitute for brains; 2. Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before. Because: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically. An intoxicating golden brew that re-emerges virtually unchanged one hour later; 3.

The time when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe. Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. It makes me mad.” Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat. Astronaut: A whirled traveller - the only man who is glad to be down and out. Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth’s surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging. The religion devoted to the worship of one’s own smug sense of superiority; 2. Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. Something that’s so reasonable they won’t take it back when you find out what’s wrong with it; 6. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists. Beehive: An order given by bees to their misbehaving children. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing. Belper: A knob of someone else’s chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody’s thigh under their skirt.

Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught; 14. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.


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